Tuesday, September 18, 2012
I have neither written nor drawn since May. I am not sure why I stopped. I know I have been depressed but lots of people use art when they feel lost as a way to develop focus. Instead, I retreated and turned sullen. During many daylight hours, I withdrew by fishing and, late into Summer evenings, I worked intensely on my stamp collection. This routine guaranteed isolation and lots of silence. I didn't need to deal with issues of complicated personal and familial relationships nor angst about my mortality. The other day, during a particularly disconsolate mood at Washington Park in Portland, I looked at my sketch book and realized sadly I hadn't drawn in a long time. I remembered how much joy sketching had given me and felt wretched that I had squandered the progress I had made months ago. Then I remembered how several people had mentioned recently they had missed my writings. I hadn't even had the energy to explain honestly why I had stopped my posts other than by saying that I had taken a break. I still feel a paralyzing lack of purpose and dulled emotions only not as strong as before. I wanted to change. It occurred to me that the best way to rekindle a zest for life and to rediscover creativity was to plan a new travel adventure. In the past, the weird mixture of elation and fear resulting from visits to exotic places has been a tincture for stimulating art and joy. In the past I usually had a particular work-related purpose for one of these journeys. This time I am the solitary bear going over the mountain. My job, Tapirgal encouraged, is to record my unique vision or voice even stronger than ever before and to run with it. Raksha similarly urged me not to look for a purpose and more or less follow the Nike vision of "Just Do It!" and display my portfolio regardless. My direction will emerge without me really knowing where I am going or why. It is time to embrace the value of process more than expecting to see reason..
It is more important to publish this post than any other. I have put on my tennis shoes, found a trail, and now I have to take my first step. I feel worried. Do I have it in me to get back in shape and express myself again? In less than two weeks I leave for Southeast Asia. I will explain my itinerary later. It's the inner journey that I have begun today. "Holy Crap", I have no idea where I am going.